Ramadhan Diary: Disliking Myself and Recovery Process

Lately, I really don't have any idea on what's happening to myself.
I was thinking about so many things, that I couldn't even understand. 
Or I understand them so well but I just feel so overwhelmed.
Because I couldn't help myself.

I was thinking about myself. I'm not good enough.
I was reflecting on my own character.
People perceived me as confident and brave.
Little that they know, I am so scared but I just try to step forward.
I try my best. My very best.
I tried to fight against any negative thoughts that kept on coming along my way.

I'm not be able to tell people what I need and what I want.
I hide my feelings. Keep it deep down to my heart.
I kept it because I didn't know how to tell.
All my worry. All the things I wanted to say but I didn't.
I wanted to talk to people I never talked before but I didn't know how to interact.

And, sometimes, I did feel like I need to stop expressing myself.
I once feel like deleting all my social media because I think like I shouldn't express.
I got angry to myself for not being able to control myself.
I got angry for not being strong enough.

I just dislike myself.
so much.

Sometimes I feel inferior with my own character
I am too confident that I made others feel uncomfortable
I am too selfish that I didn't notice the changes in others
I am too expressive that I didn't give chances for people to speak
I am drown into my own world that I didn't notice the surroundings.

And I really feel I cannot love myself
I am so grateful that Allah always have something for me
He enables me to travel to Shornecliffe for me to get some fresh air and feel the calmness.
He enables me to talk to friends about what's going on even though I won't tell everything but at least, I told.
He sent me awesome friends who really care. Truly care. And understand. And love me 
(I know you girls do :))
He enables me to listen to something beautiful.

This morning, I had a conversation with my housemate.
It was so beautiful that I'll keep it in my blog.

We talked about meeting Allah and people in Jannah.

"Agaknya, macamana perasaan kita kan bila jumpa Allah kat syurga nanti? Taktau nak cakap apa. Awkward tak ye."
"Kan..kita jumpa dengan Sang Penyayang yang sayang sangat kat kita. The one who understands us inside out more than we do."
"Kita jumpa dengan Dia yang kita rindu nak tatap wajahNya. Rasa macam best pula Allah nak buat surprise pada kita kan. Kita takboleh nampak dia supaya kita rasa rindu dan nak tatap wajah Dia nanti."
"Lepastu nanti kita jumpa Abu Bakar, Umar, sahabat-sahabat semua. Mesti best bila kita cerita apa yang jadi kat zaman kita. Kita ada gadjet, social media, kereta. And kita dengar pula apa jadi kat zaman mereka."

The feeling is unimaginable. 
The feeling must be so blessed.
We love each other. We listen to stories. We share stories.
Subhanallah. Best sangat.

Then this afternoon, I dated my big sister. (hey, she still consider me as her baby sister. xD)
We talked. 
She gave me advices on how to improve myself.
It was helpful. She even outlined some action plans that I can do.
And it was such a relieved when at the end, she said,
"Zura, your weaknesses do not mean that you don't deserve love. We love you. I hope you notice that you also make a progression. As someone who knows you, akak saksikan yang awak cuba baiki diri awak. and I'm proud of you. I hope you know that you're an inspiration to a lot of people out there.  So don't stop doing what you do. Your characters are actually a struggle for a lot of people out there. Your weaknesses just need an improvement"

At this moment, I really felt so touched.
Then, I realized, while I dislike myself, people out there are actually dreaming to be me.
When I wanted to be someone else, people are actually appreciating me the way I am.

Not saying that I don't need to work on my weaknesses
Not saying that I'm perfect. No. 
But, this moment I need to listen back to what I always tell people.
BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF. and don't try to be someone else.
Because our characters are unique and our characters are actually meant to complete others in our life. After all, we are all in need of each other. 
And our weaknesses are meant to be acknowledged and improved in a journey to be the best version of ourselves.

Dear self,
whenever in the future that you ever feel bad about yourself,
please revisit your own writing here in this post.
I hope I can cheer you up and makes you understand that you are important in people's life.
and you should be grateful for being you.
Because you have qualities that others need.
And by acknowledging that, I hope you can reach out to a lot of people out there.

Zura, don't try to be someone else.
I love you.

Azzura (not-yet 22)
Salam Ramadhan.

No comments: