WHY is it hard to LET GO and MOVE ON?

People asked, how to let go and move on?

Before you need to know HOW, you need to know WHY is it hard to let go?

Why is it so hard?
  1. Could be it's because what you need is just an apology from those who hurt you. But unfortunately, most of the time, they won't apologise. I don't know why. Maybe because for them, it's not important? Or maybe it's just that they simply think it doesn't hurt that bad? Or could be, they think you already forget what happen.
  • and this is the *mistake* people made (it's not really a mistake because I think, an apology can heal). It's so simple to say "I'm sorry for hurting you" but it takes people to lower down their ego to say "I'm sorry" right? That's why people don't apologise. πŸ™‚
  • Why do people want them to apologise? Because sometimes, people tend to BLAME THEMSELVES for what's happening. "Did I do anything wrong?" "Why is this happen to me, God?" "What did I do to deserve this?"
  • It really takes time and courage to convince yourselves that it's not your fault. It's a test that Allah let it to happen. He doesn't meant to break us but to mend us. And to understand this concept might take years :')
Take it slowly. Don't be too harsh on yourselves. Healing process takes time. It really is :)

  1. Because you think, why do those people live happily while you need to live with the scars that is hard to mend.
  • How can we apologise people who don't ask for an apology? The resentment inside the heart is so hard to explain. And we didn't notice that we hold a grudge inside us. Is it wrong to hold a grudge? I don't know. For people who are deeply in pain, it's really understandable if you are not being able to forgive. It's sometimes not about the actions, but the hurtful feelings they left, am I right?

  1. Because you yourselves don't forgive yourselves for not being able to forgive people.
  • sometimes you do feel bad for not being able to forgive. But dear people, please understand that to forgive also requires lot of courage and bravery. 
  • To really forgive and let go really require you to understand yourselves. To understand things that happen in your life. Please know that bad things do happen to good people as well. Like what I said, it's not because Allah is unfair. But because He, with all His wisdom wants to make you grow spiritually healthy. And to understand this concept also takes time. Take it slowly :')

I leave you with a quote from Tere Liye about forgiveness:

"Ketahuilah, saat kita memutuskan untuk memaafkan seseorang, itu bukan persoalan apakah orang itu salah dan kita benar, apakah orang itu memang jahat atau aniaya, bukan. 

Kita memutuskan memaafkan seseorang kerana kita berhak atas kedamaian dalam hati"

May Allah heal you with the best healing. May your heart will grow stronger and more beautiful than ever. For every scar, He knows it. For every tear, He sees it. Sincerely, I pray that Allah will heal you. Amiin.

Ramadhan Diary: A Short Ramadhan but It Feels So Long

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.
Raya is in few days (either next two days or three days) :)

Special for my ownself πŸ’–
Basically this is just my own reflection. So many things happen in a month.

Did you remember your feeling when Ramadhan was coming?
You were so full of doubt. You doubted yourself, “Am I ready for Ramadhan?” πŸ˜•πŸ˜•
Because you really felt that you’re not ready but you are so eager to meet Ramadhan. 
Because you wanted to heal. 
You really wanted to heal so much.

This Ramadhan taught you that healing process is not like what you think it is. 
It is not only “happy and butterflies” moments for healing. No.
It’s a combination of mixed feelings dear Azzura.
It’s a combination of happy, sad, sorrow, excitement, joy, guilt, hurt, almost broken, doubtful, and many more. 😌😌
It’s really a combination of mixed feelings.
You can feel sad 😒 in one second, and happy πŸ˜ƒ in another second
You can feel almost give up 😭 in one second but motivated πŸ˜† in other second
You can feel so excited 😁 in one second but doubtful πŸ˜” in other second
Nothing is an absolute happy or absolute sad
Nothing is an absolute good or absolute bad
It’s a combination. Really a combination. 
This is what Ramadhan taught you, dear Azzura

There are moments when you really don’t understand what you feel.
You really feel like you are losing yourself
I know. I know you very well, zura.
And you sometimes feel so frustrated that even you learn psychology, but it doesn’t make you understand people
How can you understand people when sometimes you can’t even understand yourself Azzura? HAHAH. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
And sometimes you feel like “I know I learn psychology. But still, I’m a human. I have feelings. How am I not supposed to feel what I feel?”
And you’re right zura. You’re human. And humans are weak.
Therefore, please always remind yourself to seek strength from Allah. πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ
That’s normal to feel weak. Because you are not even yours, Azzura
That is why, you always need to seek Allah’s guidance. πŸ’•πŸ’•
To always save you from evil thoughts you have on yourself. 😠

Knowing you, zura. You are not a bad person. Trust me. 😎😎
You are good, though there are still A LOT of improvements you need to make on yourself to be a better person.
But, Azzura. You tried zura. You tried! 😸
Even when you fall so many times, but you did try!
How can it be called as “loser”. You don’t have strong justifications to even tell yourself as “loser” or a "failure" πŸ˜’πŸ˜’
And regardless of what you think about yourself,
Do you know that you have impacted many people in a good way?
You are important zura. Never let YOURSELF tell you otherwise.
You are truly important.  πŸ˜»
(I hope you understand this well)

This Ramadhan taught you that there are things that beyond your control
You cannot control people. πŸ™
And that should not make you feel worry, that should not make you feel disappointed, that should not make you feel guilty 
So, why are you always blaming yourself for things that are not even your fault? πŸ’†πŸ’†
You are just burdening yourself, you know?

This Ramadhan taught you that life is not going to be as smooth as you wanted it to be.
It’ll never be smooth. There’s gonna be challenges that you need to face.
For everything that you fight for, there always gonna be challenges.
ALWAYS. πŸ’£πŸ’£
Unexpected things happen and you can’t stop it.
Hey, don’t you remember how passionate you are with the course you take: psychology?
But, sometimes, you do feel like you’re not going to pursue it anymore because sometimes it’s difficult?
But, you never stop. You still gonna proceed it.
You know why?
This should be applied to other aspects of life too, zura.
Knowing you, you are a person who doesn’t decide in a day.
You take into accounts many things. Therefore, when you have decided, you know that it is the best for you. So, DON’T STOP. AND FIGHT FOR IT! πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ
Don’t give up until people decide to give up on you.
You need to fight for it, be patient along the process like what you did with psychology.
Be patient with yourself. πŸ‘ΈπŸ‘Έ

Dear Azzura,
This Ramadhan is one of the most memorable Ramadhan in your life.
Please be grateful for everything that happen even though you might not like it.
Remember, you yourself ask Allah to heal you,
And He really does with His wisdom.
Not like what you thought it would be. 
But with the way HE WANTED TO TEACH YOU.
I know sometimes you feel like you cannot take it anymore.
But, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Just hold on. Trust Allah and believe that He'll make you go through this. 😁😁

Dan moga-moga wahai Azzura,
Hari Raya ini kau setidaknya belajar untuk menang ke atas diri kau sendiri,
Dan kau setidaknya belajar satu hal: kau manusia, bukan Tuhan.
Dan jalanilah hidupmu wahai Azzura sesederhana mungkin.
Moga kau belajar mencari imbang. Moga kau belajar menjadi hamba.
Bukankah ini doamu selalu? Untuk menjadi hamba Tuhan.

Lastly dear Azzura,

source: google

Azzura. Menanti Hari Kemenangan

Ramadhan Diary: Matang Mengurus Isu

Lepas sahur, berborak dengan kak Nina tentang karier sebagai seorang psikologis.
Banyak benda yang dapat dan belajar.
Jadi, saya kongsi di sini adalah untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri dan untuk rujukan akan datang

credit: google

So, dear future self,
please read the advice from 21-year-old Azzura okay?

One key point that kak Nina said to me was,
Be mature on what we say.
Being a psychologist (not-yet a psychologist but I know I'd pursue my ambition),
you will deal with A LOT of people with A LOT of issues.
and sometimes the issues are beyond your imagination
and very contradicts with your belief

But, issues are there
Things happen
and people experiences it.
You need to acknowledge that.

Therefore, before you say anything,
Before you write anything,
Always always always reflected back.
Choose a precise word, choose a nice word.
Deliver it with "mercy"

Some guidelines for myself, in approaching issue, remember to stay calm and "rahmah"

1. Does the issue has happened? (i.e. unwanted feelings such as attracted to the same gender)
--> Is it just feelings or he has acted upon it?
--> If it's still feelings, then no sin for him/her.
--> So, you can provide alternative therapy. Don't forget to include spirituality element.
--> Induce the guilt of having unwanted feelings but give HOPE that it will recover if he/she has willingness to fight against the feelings

2. If it has happened, did he/she feels guilty?
--> If he feels guilty, and want to end the sin, guide him and don't judge
--> But, don't give SIMPLE alternative such as marrying a woman. It might not work. Instead, causing harm to the wife
--> So, what to do? counseling first.
--> What if he/she doesn't feel guilty?
--> Look at historical and environmental background to have clear understanding
--> it's important to understand for better alternative/treatment. but not to justify the action

3. If he/she doesn't feel guilty, does he/she just do the sin by himself or does he/she implies the idea to others?
--> If he is implying the idea to other people, then we need to be firm and go against the idea. Fight against the ideology.
--> I'm not sure about the treatment by the way. Later, maybe my future self will figure it out insha Allah
--> But if he just keeps it to himself, then help him as much as you could. Don't feel pressure.
If you can't help, then ask others to help.

However, dear self,
There are some issues that you cannot handle
Acknowledge it and just avoid the issues
Because it might cause more harm than good
Refer them to other psychologists.
Just ADMIT that you can't handle that. Just can't handle.
For example, issues like pedophilia, sex offenders, etc. are just too much to handle.
You can handle the survivors, but not the perpetrators.
So, just refer them to other psychologists.

And, bear in mind,
Sometimes your treatment for some clients might not make them better
Or it could be worse :(
This can happen, dear future self.
So, DON'T BE TOO HARSH on yourself
Take a chill pill and you too need a psychologist for yourself

Do not always feel bad
It just show that you're human and you CAN'T HEAL EVERYONE
Let Allah heal them.
It's kinda dangerous if you think you can heal everyone because you definitely DON'T HAVE THE POWER.
But you can always put EFFORTS and remember, TAWAKKAL.

credit: google

Dear future self,
Sometimes, you just need a break and "me time"
You need to distance yourself from work environment when you're at home
You will have a husband and children
They have their rights and you're responsible for that
Make them feel your existence too okay?
And make them feel that you're WITH them.
Spend quality time with them.
Do not take clients' problems into your personal life

But knowing you, sometimes you'll overthink
So, when you reach that point,
Ask courage from Allah.
Pray. Pray to Him.
Seek support
Support from your family, friends and people around
And plan vacation for yourself
If you could go anywhere (doesn't necessarily far), just go.
Find peace for yourself

That's all from a 21-year-old Azzura.
In a month and a week, Azzura will turn to 22.
So hopefully, Azzura can be wiser and may Allah always guide. 

Ramadhan Diary: Allah Knows Best

Yesterday, I went through this one verse in Surah Al-An'am: 59

Dan pada sisi Allah-lah kunci-kunci semua yang ghaib; tidak ada yang mengetahuinya kecuali Dia sendiri, dan Dia mengetahui apa yang di daratan dan di lautan, dan tiada sehelai daun pun yang gugur melainkan Dia mengetahuinya (pula), dan tidak jatuh sebutir biji-pun dalam kegelapan bumi, dan tidak sesuatu yang basah atau yang kering, melainkan tertulis dalam kitab yang nyata (Lauh Mahfudz)
I feel this verse is really comforting
Knowing that Allah knows every single thing in this world, from the smallest to the biggest
Just make me realize that our life is in His hand
And, if we let Him hold our destiny,
We would be fine
Totally fine

That doesn't mean that we don't need to put effort and let Him decide
No. It just means that we need to put our best efforts
and let the RESULTS in His hand
and that's the concept of: TAWAKKAL :)

Have you ever wondered about your future?
How is it like?
What would it be?
I always wonder this since I was small.

And you know,
I once wonder, "if only I have doraemon and can have a look to my future, it must be good."

source: google

Then, as I grow up,
I realized, if only we know what future holds for us,
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of 'doa'
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of trying and keep trying
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of be the servant of Allah
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of tawakkal

And that's the wisdom of Allah
He wants us to experience this life
He wants us to feel the pain
He wants us to kneel down and pray to Him
Because, He loves us and He misses us.
He wants to hear our prayer.

I know, it's never easy to really appreciate all the painful experiences
It's never easy to really understand what's going on in our life
It's never easy to get up when you feel that you are at the bottom
It's never easy to keep trying when you are afraid of falling
It's never easy, dear.

And you know, to understand this,
Sometimes, we learn it in a hard way
Like my housemate said, "buat kita terduduk"
Yup, really.
It makes us to realise that,
Our life wouldn't be as easy as we plan it to be.
And it wouldn't be as smooth as what we plan it to be

But, our definition of ease and smooth is not what it truly is.
I mean, the ease and smooth in our eyes is not the same with His wisdom.
He teaches us first through experience
And throughout the learning process,
He is actually guides us
But, sometimes we just don't want to see it with our heart

Realizing this,
I always feel the wisdom in this prayer,
and may Allah always make me a person who always appreciate this 'doa'

"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami lisan yang lembut basah mengingati dan menyebut namaMu, hati yang penuh segar mensyukuri nikmatMu, serta badan yang ringan menyempurnakan ketaatan kepada perintahMu. Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami iman yang sempurna, hati yang khusyu', ilmu yang berguna, keyakinan yang benar-benar mantap, Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami, Din, cara hidup yang jitu dan unggul, selamat dari dari segala mala petaka.
Kami mohon Ya Allah, kecukupan yang tidak sampai kami terpaksa meminta jasa orang lain. Berikanlah kami Ya Allah iman yang sebenarnya hingga kami tidak lagi gentar atau mengharapkan orang lain selain dari Engkau sendiri, atau menyembah selain dari Engkau sendiri. Kembangkanlah lembayung rahmat-Mu kepada kami, keluarga kami, anak-anak kami serta sesiapa sahaja yang bersama-sama kami.
Jangan Ya Allah, Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri; walaupun sekadar sekelip mata atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek daripada itu.
Wahai Tuhan yang paling mudah dan cepat memperkenankan, minta perkenankanlah. "
"Jangan Ya Allah, Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri; walaupun sekadar sekelip mata atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek daripada itu."
favourite part of the doa.

This Ramadhan,
let us try to appreciate our life and try to appreciate the doa :) 

Ramadhan Diary: Women in Surah Ali-Imran

After subuh prayer, I talked with my housemate, Faten Nadhirah.
She shared about Surah Ali-Imran from the book "Khowatir Quraniyah"

The theme about the Surah is: Keteguhan iman, amal dan fikiran
And, the figure that Allah talked about is 2 WOMEN: Maryam and Imran's wife.

It was mind-blowing and amazing that Allah used an example of WOMEN to describe about "keteguhan iman, amal dan fikiran"
I was so touched that Allah REALLY recognised the importance of women in building a great ummah.
The wife of Imran gave birth to an amazing woman: Maryam
and Maryam gave birth to an amazing man: Isa A.S
Subhanallah. What a huge contribution a woman can make for the ummah.
No matter a woman gave birth to a girl or boy, they both could be wonderful.

Sometimes, I guess some of us might feel that we can't be as good as men
But, no dear women. 
Women can be as pious as men, and we can follow the step of Maryam and the wife of Ali-Imran.
We are the fundamental of a great generation.
We are important
And we always do.
We matter to the world :')

Keutamaan Wanita
" Surat yang berbicara tentang thabat juga menampilkan contoh keteguhan dua figur wanita. Meskipun namanya Ali Imran (keluarga Imran), surat ini tidak menyebutkan Imran. Akan tetapi, fokus pembicaraan justru pada isterinya yang tulus membela agama Allah dan menjadi sebab lahirnya Sayyidah Maryam dan nabi Isa AS. 
Simbol keteguhan dalam surat ini adalah wanita, dan surat setelah Ali-Imran adalah surat An'Nisaa' (Wanita). Ini merupakan bukti paling jelas pemuliaan dan penghargaan Islam terhadap wanita. Karena itu wahai para pemuda! Teguhlah pada kebenaran, baik secara pemikiran maupun tindakan. Wahai para pemudi, teguhlah pada kebenaran, baik secara pemikiran maupun tindakan. Belajarlah dari dua wanita yang disebutkan dalam surat ini, isteri Imran dan Maryam binti Imran."
-Petikan dari Khowatir Quraniyah, Amru Khalid-

I end this post with a reflection to hadith Rasulullah,
Dari Abu Hurairah berkata; Rasulullah SAW  bersabda: "Orang mukmin yang paling sempurna imannya adalah yang paling baik akhlaknya. Sebaik-baik kalian adalah yang paling baik terhadap para isterinya." (HR Tirmidzi No: 1082)
Sa'ad bin Abu Waqqash dari bapanya dari neneknya berkata; Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda: "Tiga indikator kebahagiaan anak Adam, dan tiga indikator kesengsaraan anak Adam; indikator kebahagiaan anak cucu adam adalah isteri yang solehah, tempat tinggal yang baik dan kenderaan yang baik. Sedangkan indikator kesengsaraan anak Adam adalah isteri yang berakhlak buruk, tempat tinggal yang buruk dan kenderaan yang buruk." (HR Ahmad No: 1368)

These make me reflect that how important a woman to a man in which when they want to perfect their faith, they need to do good to women.
and it is so amazing that how a woman can impact man's life in which when she's a good wife, it is an indication of a happy life for a husband. and when she's not good, then it's an indication of misery life for a husband.

So, dear women,
This Ramadhan, let us learn more about ourselves.
I hope you could see that Islam really dignifies women.
Once you know this, you would be so grateful to be a woman.
Alhamdulillah πŸ’•πŸ’•

Ramadhan Diary: Syurga or Sugar?

Damia always have something to ask.
A curious, cute little girl.

Today, we read a book from little caliph, here is the content:

So, Damia asked, 
"Teacher, what is syurga? Is it sugar?"

At first I was confused with the question. So I answered,
"yeah, syurga is syurga."

"Oh, sugar. Food?"

Then I realised, ohhhh, she meant sugar. 
Before answering, I laughed first because the question was too cute πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

"Damia, come here. Syurga is a beautiful place. It's like a garden. But it's too beautiful that we couldn't imagine it. Let me show you some pictures of the gardens"

Then, I googled "The Most Beautiful Garden in The World"

Here are some pictures I got:
credit: google

Damia was like, "Wahhhhhh"
"yes Damia. It is mesmerising right?"
"But syurga is much more beautiful than this?"
"Does syurga bigger than this?"
"Yes. Much bigger"
"Teacher, in syurga, can we ask anything we want?"
"Yes Damia. You can ask anything you want"
"We can eat anything?"
"Yes. You can eat anything."

She was so amazed. Then she asked,

"can we change our eyes' colours?"
"You can ask for anything Damia."
"Wah, can we talk to strangers there?"
"You can talk to everyone. In syurga, there's no strangers. Everyone is a good person"
"Syurga is for good people."
"Hmm.. but I'm not good enough"
"Damia, no one is good enough. But, we always try to be as good as we can"

This Ramadhan, let us all aim to be a better muslim, to attain taqwa and pray to be the one that He chooses to be with great people in Jannah.

Insha Allah.

One more thing I love about Jannah is,
Once you enter Jannah, all your pain goes away as if you never experienced it before.

Akan tetapi orang-orang yang bertakwa kepada Tuhannya bagi mereka surga yang mengalir sungai-sungai di dalamnya, sedang mereka kekal di dalamnya sebagai tempat tinggal (anugerah) dari sisi Allah. Dan apa yang di sisi Allah adalah lebih baik bagi orang-orang yang berbakti.

Ramadhan Diary: Disliking Myself and Recovery Process

Lately, I really don't have any idea on what's happening to myself.
I was thinking about so many things, that I couldn't even understand. 
Or I understand them so well but I just feel so overwhelmed.
Because I couldn't help myself.

I was thinking about myself. I'm not good enough.
I was reflecting on my own character.
People perceived me as confident and brave.
Little that they know, I am so scared but I just try to step forward.
I try my best. My very best.
I tried to fight against any negative thoughts that kept on coming along my way.

I'm not be able to tell people what I need and what I want.
I hide my feelings. Keep it deep down to my heart.
I kept it because I didn't know how to tell.
All my worry. All the things I wanted to say but I didn't.
I wanted to talk to people I never talked before but I didn't know how to interact.

And, sometimes, I did feel like I need to stop expressing myself.
I once feel like deleting all my social media because I think like I shouldn't express.
I got angry to myself for not being able to control myself.
I got angry for not being strong enough.

I just dislike myself.
so much.

Sometimes I feel inferior with my own character
I am too confident that I made others feel uncomfortable
I am too selfish that I didn't notice the changes in others
I am too expressive that I didn't give chances for people to speak
I am drown into my own world that I didn't notice the surroundings.

And I really feel I cannot love myself
I am so grateful that Allah always have something for me
He enables me to travel to Shornecliffe for me to get some fresh air and feel the calmness.
He enables me to talk to friends about what's going on even though I won't tell everything but at least, I told.
He sent me awesome friends who really care. Truly care. And understand. And love me 
(I know you girls do :))
He enables me to listen to something beautiful.

This morning, I had a conversation with my housemate.
It was so beautiful that I'll keep it in my blog.

We talked about meeting Allah and people in Jannah.

"Agaknya, macamana perasaan kita kan bila jumpa Allah kat syurga nanti? Taktau nak cakap apa. Awkward tak ye."
"Kan..kita jumpa dengan Sang Penyayang yang sayang sangat kat kita. The one who understands us inside out more than we do."
"Kita jumpa dengan Dia yang kita rindu nak tatap wajahNya. Rasa macam best pula Allah nak buat surprise pada kita kan. Kita takboleh nampak dia supaya kita rasa rindu dan nak tatap wajah Dia nanti."
"Lepastu nanti kita jumpa Abu Bakar, Umar, sahabat-sahabat semua. Mesti best bila kita cerita apa yang jadi kat zaman kita. Kita ada gadjet, social media, kereta. And kita dengar pula apa jadi kat zaman mereka."

The feeling is unimaginable. 
The feeling must be so blessed.
We love each other. We listen to stories. We share stories.
Subhanallah. Best sangat.

Then this afternoon, I dated my big sister. (hey, she still consider me as her baby sister. xD)
We talked. 
She gave me advices on how to improve myself.
It was helpful. She even outlined some action plans that I can do.
And it was such a relieved when at the end, she said,
"Zura, your weaknesses do not mean that you don't deserve love. We love you. I hope you notice that you also make a progression. As someone who knows you, akak saksikan yang awak cuba baiki diri awak. and I'm proud of you. I hope you know that you're an inspiration to a lot of people out there.  So don't stop doing what you do. Your characters are actually a struggle for a lot of people out there. Your weaknesses just need an improvement"

At this moment, I really felt so touched.
Then, I realized, while I dislike myself, people out there are actually dreaming to be me.
When I wanted to be someone else, people are actually appreciating me the way I am.

Not saying that I don't need to work on my weaknesses
Not saying that I'm perfect. No. 
But, this moment I need to listen back to what I always tell people.
BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF. and don't try to be someone else.
Because our characters are unique and our characters are actually meant to complete others in our life. After all, we are all in need of each other. 
And our weaknesses are meant to be acknowledged and improved in a journey to be the best version of ourselves.

Dear self,
whenever in the future that you ever feel bad about yourself,
please revisit your own writing here in this post.
I hope I can cheer you up and makes you understand that you are important in people's life.
and you should be grateful for being you.
Because you have qualities that others need.
And by acknowledging that, I hope you can reach out to a lot of people out there.

Zura, don't try to be someone else.
I love you.

Azzura (not-yet 22)
Salam Ramadhan.

Adelaide: Random Plan (2)

continue from previous post,

Day 4: Mount Lofty 

After zuhr prayer, kak Aznin, kak Syam, and Yan brought me to Mount Lofty. Subhanallah, it was so pretty!🍁🍁🍁

I could see the shades of colour from red to brown. It was really capturing my eyes 😍

Mount Lofty πŸ’žπŸ’ž

kak Syam, kak Aznin, me, Yan
"Zura, Adelaide always has a place for you" - Kak Aznin

well, you girls always have a place in my heart 😊😊

Then, that night, we went to my highschool mate's house.
Well, we talked for 2 hours. You know, when you meet your highschool mate, they will literally talk about how you were back in school πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. 
And reminiscing the moment in high school was so funny.
I guess, if there's Sahira, it would be so many more to talk about because she knows most about me in high school. Luckily she wasn't there. hahaha. (if you're reading this, sorry Sahira 😌)

Got tired after talking for 2 hours πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Last day: Hallet Cove and Brighton Beach

It's time to say goodbye.
That morning, before I went to airport, Kak Aznin brought me to Hallet Cove and Brighton Beach.

The scenery was s great, subhanallah.

Hallet Cove

There was a mountain there looks so mesmerizing.
It reminded me of this one verse in Al-Quran,

"Kalau sekiranya Kami turunkan Al-Quran ini kepada sebuah gunung, pasti kamu akan melihatnya tunduk terpecah belah disebabkan ketakutannya kepada Allah. Dan perumpamaan-perumpamaan itu Kami buat untuk manusia supaya mereka berfikir."
(Al-Hasyr: 21)

Then, Kak Aznin said, the mountain is huge but it only has a physical strength, while human, we are created with both physical and spiritual strength. That is the reason why, human can accept the responsibility that Allah gives to us, which is to live our life based on the Quran. Because we are the best creation.

It was such a thoughtful conversation.
Then, we also met Indonesian in Hallet Cove. They were having holidays.

Can't remember the name but the one at the right side is getting married this September.
(see, I can remember story but not the name. can anyone please teach me how to remember names? 😭)

After zuhr prayer, we went to Brighton Beach but I did not take any photo there. huhu.
I called my mom there and showed her where was I.

Bulat mata budak ni tengok aunty dia. 😹😹

Then, it's time to say goodbye.
Kak Aznin sent me to airport.
Then she said, "Janganlah sedih"
I wasn't. em, actually, I did.
Hahaha. But I didn't cry okay. Haha. 
Just sad. That's normal, right? 😝

Then, kak Aznin recorded a video of me saying goodbye to akhawat Adelaide.

Insha Allah, someday we'll meet again.
As much as I love to stay at certain place, it would always be temporary.
So, may I ask you a favour?
Can I stay in your heart forever? 😊

I will just take my words from my facebook,

Hidup ini kisah tentang meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan.
Tetapi, itu bukanlah masalah. 
Kerana yang lebih utama dan penting adalah bagaimana perasaan ketika meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan.

Dan perasaan saya untuk meninggalkan bumi Adelaide ini sangat bercampur-baur. 
Tetapi majoriti perasannya ialah kesyukuran buat Ilahi untuk peluang ini.

Jazakunallahu khayr akhawat.
Saya tinggalkan dengan satu kata-kata IHAB,
"Orang soleh itu ke mana pun ia pergi akan meninggalkan kesan"
Dan kalian semua sungguh meninggalkan kesan yang berbekas dalam hati. 

Selamat berjuang. Dan moga jumpa lagi πŸ’πŸ’

back to Brisbane 

Kak Aznin

Sweet Akhawat πŸ’—πŸ’— 
Azri Hazirah Azizan

Diyana Izyan

Najah Safaruddin

Jazakunallahu khayr to ALL akhawat for making me feel so comfortable in Adelaide.
May Allah grant you girls with better rewards πŸ’•πŸ’•

(Rasa sayang sebab tak tulis trip Melbourne dan New Zealand tahun lepas)
(If I still can remember, I definitely should write it!)

Adelaide: Random Plan

Alhamdulillah 4 days 4 nights in Adelaide was awesome. I fell in love with the nature and of course, with the people. So lovely. So welcoming. 

Before the trip

So, how did I plan to go there?
I didn't plan it, honestly. It was random. 

So basically, 3 weeks before the trip, kak Farah Hanani asked our usrah,
"Siapa nak join kak Farah pergi Adelaide. Ada nadwah 6 Mei kat Adelaide."

At that time, I was quite excited, 
'oh I really wanted to go to Adelaide but I didn't have strong reason to go'. 
So, I checked my schedule. okay, assignments lambat lagi. 3 minggu lagi. 
(pengsan ni 4 assignments berderet πŸ˜…πŸ˜…. doakan manageable!😁)

I also checked the ticket price.
"hm, if it's below $200 for return, I'd go. if not, maybe no"
I took a week to think about it. Am I really going?

So, the next week, I checked the price ticket again and checked my schedule again.
"Okay, there's no assignment due this week, I can asked syifa' for this one tutorial. This one lecture, I can just listen to the lecture recording. Okay, manageable. Bismillah."
And the ticket price was below $200. I think Allah has made it easy for me. Alhamdulillah.

Then, I rethink again. Wait, if I take the ticket on Thursday, who's going to send me?
And, am I travelling alone? πŸ€”
To be honest, this trip was the first trip I travelled alone.
As a woman, of course it is important to ensure that the trip is safe. (This is important okay girls. Maqasid syariah menjaga nyawa itu penting)
So, I was thinking, should be there are girls who are sending me to airport and there are girls who will be fetching me there. I would just be alone on the flight, which was safe. 
Let's try this. 

And my first solo-travel experience was good.
Allah made it easy, Alhamdulillah.

Day 1: Pakistani Food and Baitul Insyirah
When I arrived there, Azri Hazirah and Diyana Izyan fetched me and brought me to one Pakistani restaurant. The food was good masha Allah. 

Then, they took me to Baitul Insyirah. 
So I slept there for 4 days 4 nights. 
Subhanallah, the house was so comfy and calm, just like its name.
May Allah showers them with greater blessings for their kindness.

ahlul Insyirah: Azri Hazirah, Najah Sarafuddin, (me), Afiqah Suhaimee, Diyana Izyan, Aziidah Amirruddin.
Jazakunallahu khayr tumpangkan rumah, sediakan makanan sedap. 😊 

Day 2: Adelaide Botanical Garden, Gaol, Matcha Cake House and Usrah

That morning, I met kak Zaitul. Sampai-sampai je, kak Zaitul kata, 
"Zuraaaaa, tak berubah pun dari dulu." I was like "nak berubah apanya."
We just met once during summer camp2015 in Malaysia πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Tapi, gaya macam dah pernah kenal 10 tahun. πŸ˜‚

She brought me to Botanical Garden.

kak Zaitul Zazai Asyiqeen

Adelaide Botanical Garden

The garden was so pretty. 😍 
We sent pictures to kakSyai just to make her jealous.
Sekali, sesat kat dalam taman. πŸ˜…
Luckily we lost in a garden. It wasn't scary la kan.
We waited there for kak Aznin to rescue us.
Then, we had our lunch, pray, and heading to Gaol.

We went to Gaol with Zizi and her friend.
In here, the environment was quite depressing. 
There's a heartnreaking story about a woman.
Her father died when she was young, her mother then left her alone.
And, she was raped brutally when she was young.
Later, she found out that her mother was still alive and remarried with a man.
She then moved to the city nearer to her mother and her stepfather.
She then married a divorced man with 2 kids, but it turned out that the marriage was bad.
Her husband was abusive.
One day, her husband was found died because of mercury poisoning.
She was accused of murdering her husband but the investigation wasn't thorough
So, it was said that she was actually innocent but falsely punished. 
And she was the only woman who was executed.

I got headache after reading about the cases in which people were executed.
There are people who murdered their wife/husband due to jealosy.
There are people who murdered and raped children. 
There are people who murdered their own friends.

The feelings after visited the prison was so heavy. 
Rasa mual juga.
Mungkin sebab rasa terlalu berat untuk menerima kes-kes macamni (that is why I wouldn't choose Forensic Psychology or criminology because I'm not into that course).

That night, after maghrib, I had liqa' from Brisbane
I joined through online from Adelaide. 
Waktu ni rasa pertama kali liqa' sambil berjalan, naik trem, kejar bas.
taktau la masuk ke tak. insha Allah masuk la kot.
(jangan kecam saya, kak Farah πŸ‘€)
I remember we discussed about usul 20.
Usul ke 5 (taat pada pemimpin) dan 6 (taasub) 
(harap-harap betul πŸ˜… )
Sambil-sambil liqa', pergi Matcha cake house dengan Kak Aznin.
Rasa bersalah jugak sebab saya tengah liqa', kak Aznin duduk diam kat situ. 
Jadi nak hilangkan rasa bersalah, saya buka loudspeaker, so kak Aznin boleh join sekali. 


My date 😁
Day 3: Car Problems and Nadwah

This day, we have nadwah for the whole day. So, I got the chance to meet all akhawat Adelaide,
Kak Najah, Kak Ain, Kak Azlin, Kak Azri, Diyana, Dayana, Kak Ika, kak Nabilah, kak Syam, Kak Raby, Kak Aznin, kak Maizatul (hopefully, I didn't miss anyone πŸ˜–)

University of Adelaide. 

That morning, I had to fetch kak Farah and kak Dee from airport. 
Other akhawat was setting up and getting ready for nadwah.
It was my first time driving alone. At first, the car was okay,
tetiba termati bila keluar dari parking.
So, I quickly pushed the emergency button. There was one local lady asking, "are you okay?"
I said, "I couldn't start my car" then she called people nearby. there was a man helping me. He thought I wanted to park my car, so he helped me park the car and matikan enjin.
I was like, "...that's okay. I can stat the engine"
Engine was okay but handbrake pula tak boleh turun πŸ˜“
Lelaki, orang putih lagi, tarik handbrake sampai tak boleh nak turun. Saya turunkan handbrake tu guna dua tangan. gigih betul masa tu rasa. πŸ˜‚

Then, I fetched kak Farah and Kak Dee from airport and sent them to nadwah.
I searched for a parking spot, but couldn't find any.
Banyak kali juga pusing-pusing sampai tersesat.
At that time, I felt like crying. It was new place and I was lost and alone in the car. 
What should I do..
This one ukhti called me, asking where was I. I said I was lost and she had to send me the location.
Then I just followed the map and Alhamdulillah, finally I arrived.
I was grateful because it happened in Adelaide, where the people were friendly and calm.
If it ever happened in Melbourne or Sydney city, I would have cried alone in the car. huhu.

Then, I just tried to stay calm and focus on the nadwah.
Alhamdulillah, the nadwah was good. Jazakunallhu khyar akhawat Adelaide for the awesome presentation 😊😊

summary of the nadwah

to be continued...
(panjang dah ini πŸ€”)

Movie Lessons: A monster Calls


Before I start, I would like to thank to Mimi Farah Mohamad Jazman and Faten Nadhirah Muhammad Fauzi for recommending this movie.

I just want to share the lessons I learnt from a movie I watched last night: A Monster Calls.
The movie is highly recommended. You will find that the movie will teach you life lessons. It has taught me about family relationships, love and marriage, how to face struggles in life, etc.

credit: google

What is the story about?
It's a story about a boy. Too old to be a kid, Too young to be a man.
A boy whose heart has been broken to see his single mother fighting with cancer.
A boy who always have questions about things happening in his life.
Why do his parents divorce? Why do his mother needs to struggle with cancer? Why do he has to be bullied at school?

He is yearning for an answer and get the answer through tales, told by a tree monster in his dreams.
Lesson I learnt.

1. Family Relationship
Our family members are the closest to our heart. They are the one who we will first ask for help. They are the one who we will first ask for comfort.
But, our family members are not perfect. And often time, we misunderstand their actions. Because, we don't bother to ask. Rather, we assume.
Therefore, let us all try to be honest with our family members.

“And if one day,' mom said, really crying now, 'you look back and you feel bad for being so angry, if you feel bad for being so angry at me that you couldn't even speak to me, then you have to know, Conor, you have to that is was okay. It was okay. That I knew. I know, okay? I know everything you need to tell me without you having to say it out loud.”  
You be as angry as you need to be,” mom said. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not your grandma, not your dad, no one. And if you need to break things, then by God, you break them good and hard.”

Things that have been a burden in your heart need to be spoken.
Because, sabr (patience) is to talk about what's bothering you, without losing control of your emotions.

credit: google

2. Love and Marriage
In one scene, the boy is talking to his dad (who has been divorced with mom). After years not seeing each other because his dad remarried to a new wife, they got a heart-to-heart conversation.

"Why did you move away?" said the boy
"We were young, too young. You know big dreams."
"What kind of dreams?"
"Your mom wanted to go to a hot college"
"Yeah. She didn't go but she wanted it to"
"What happened? Because mom got pregnant and it was me?"
"hey, she never regret having you. You are only a good news. I know that for a fact 'cause one thing she regrets was marrying me."
"Why did she marrying you then?"
"Because I'm handsome" both giggled. and dad continues, "Your mom was amazing and she still is. We were in love. I mean, I still love her. But, you see, love isn't enough. It doesn't carry you through."
"So you didn't get happily ever after?"
"No, but that's life. You know, most of us get mess ever after. That's alright."

And, this is the truth. Love isn't enough. Physical appearance doesn't make a marriage stays. Marriage requires both love and mercy. 

credit: twitter

3. How We Face Struggles in Life
In one scene, the boy dreams of her mom dies, falling down from a cliff. And it is he, who let her mom dies because he could not bear the pain of seeing his mom struggling with cancer. But, he also actually wanted her mom to be cured. It's actually an internal conflict.

“If you speak the truth," the monster whispered in his ear, "you will be able to face whatever comes.You must speak the truth and you must speak it now, Conor O'Malley. Say it. You must."
Conor shook his head again, his mouth clamped shut tight, but he could feel a burning in his chest, like a fire someone had lit there, a miniature sun, blazing away and burning him from the inside.
“It'll kill me if I do,” he gasped.
"It will kill you if you do not, the monster said. You must say it.” 

Connor: I let her go. I could have held on but I let her go.
The Monster: And that is the truth.
Connor:I didn't mean it, though! I didn't mean to let her go! And now it's for real! Now she's going to die and it's my fault!
The Monster: And that is not the truth at all. 

“You know that your truth, the one that you hide… is the thing you are most afraid of. It does not matter what you think, the monster said, because your mind will contradict itself a hundred times each day. You wanted her to go at the same time you were desperate for me to save her. Your mind will believe comforting lies while also knowing the painful truths that make those lies necessary. And your mind will punish you for believing both.”
You do not write your life with words, the monster said. You write it with actions. What you think is not important. It is only important what you do.” 

In the end, his mom finally dies and he cried his heart out. But, he manage to let go. 

credit: google

This is so true. Often times, we feel by hiding our honest feelings, it would make things better. Because we are afraid to know the outcomes. But, most of the times, even if the outcome doesn't turn out the way we wanted it to, it is actually turn out the way we need it to. 
Be honest. Speak the truth. It takes courage to speak the truth, I swear. It was hard. It's never easy. But it worth it. It worth to speak the truth as it can lift the burden in our heart. Trust me. 

This movie is really inspiring and I would highly recommend this movie to you guys.
It will make most of us contemplating on what have we done, what are we going to do, what decision are we going to take, what's running in our thoughts, what actions are we going to take.
 It worth watching it.
Plus, this movie doesn't have any obscene scene. It's an innocent movie with valuable life lessons in it.