Ramadhan Diary: Disliking Myself and Recovery Process

Lately, I really don't have any idea on what's happening to myself.
I was thinking about so many things, that I couldn't even understand. 
Or I understand them so well but I just feel so overwhelmed.
Because I couldn't help myself.

I was thinking about myself. I'm not good enough.
I was reflecting on my own character.
People perceived me as confident and brave.
Little that they know, I am so scared but I just try to step forward.
I try my best. My very best.
I tried to fight against any negative thoughts that kept on coming along my way.

I'm not be able to tell people what I need and what I want.
I hide my feelings. Keep it deep down to my heart.
I kept it because I didn't know how to tell.
All my worry. All the things I wanted to say but I didn't.
I wanted to talk to people I never talked before but I didn't know how to interact.

And, sometimes, I did feel like I need to stop expressing myself.
I once feel like deleting all my social media because I think like I shouldn't express.
I got angry to myself for not being able to control myself.
I got angry for not being strong enough.

I just dislike myself.
so much.

Sometimes I feel inferior with my own character
I am too confident that I made others feel uncomfortable
I am too selfish that I didn't notice the changes in others
I am too expressive that I didn't give chances for people to speak
I am drown into my own world that I didn't notice the surroundings.

And I really feel I cannot love myself
I am so grateful that Allah always have something for me
He enables me to travel to Shornecliffe for me to get some fresh air and feel the calmness.
He enables me to talk to friends about what's going on even though I won't tell everything but at least, I told.
He sent me awesome friends who really care. Truly care. And understand. And love me 
(I know you girls do :))
He enables me to listen to something beautiful.

This morning, I had a conversation with my housemate.
It was so beautiful that I'll keep it in my blog.

We talked about meeting Allah and people in Jannah.

"Agaknya, macamana perasaan kita kan bila jumpa Allah kat syurga nanti? Taktau nak cakap apa. Awkward tak ye."
"Kan..kita jumpa dengan Sang Penyayang yang sayang sangat kat kita. The one who understands us inside out more than we do."
"Kita jumpa dengan Dia yang kita rindu nak tatap wajahNya. Rasa macam best pula Allah nak buat surprise pada kita kan. Kita takboleh nampak dia supaya kita rasa rindu dan nak tatap wajah Dia nanti."
"Lepastu nanti kita jumpa Abu Bakar, Umar, sahabat-sahabat semua. Mesti best bila kita cerita apa yang jadi kat zaman kita. Kita ada gadjet, social media, kereta. And kita dengar pula apa jadi kat zaman mereka."

The feeling is unimaginable. 
The feeling must be so blessed.
We love each other. We listen to stories. We share stories.
Subhanallah. Best sangat.

Then this afternoon, I dated my big sister. (hey, she still consider me as her baby sister. xD)
We talked. 
She gave me advices on how to improve myself.
It was helpful. She even outlined some action plans that I can do.
And it was such a relieved when at the end, she said,
"Zura, your weaknesses do not mean that you don't deserve love. We love you. I hope you notice that you also make a progression. As someone who knows you, akak saksikan yang awak cuba baiki diri awak. and I'm proud of you. I hope you know that you're an inspiration to a lot of people out there.  So don't stop doing what you do. Your characters are actually a struggle for a lot of people out there. Your weaknesses just need an improvement"

At this moment, I really felt so touched.
Then, I realized, while I dislike myself, people out there are actually dreaming to be me.
When I wanted to be someone else, people are actually appreciating me the way I am.

Not saying that I don't need to work on my weaknesses
Not saying that I'm perfect. No. 
But, this moment I need to listen back to what I always tell people.
BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF. and don't try to be someone else.
Because our characters are unique and our characters are actually meant to complete others in our life. After all, we are all in need of each other. 
And our weaknesses are meant to be acknowledged and improved in a journey to be the best version of ourselves.

Dear self,
whenever in the future that you ever feel bad about yourself,
please revisit your own writing here in this post.
I hope I can cheer you up and makes you understand that you are important in people's life.
and you should be grateful for being you.
Because you have qualities that others need.
And by acknowledging that, I hope you can reach out to a lot of people out there.

Zura, don't try to be someone else.
I love you.

Azzura (not-yet 22)
Salam Ramadhan.

Adelaide: Random Plan (2)

continue from previous post,

Day 4: Mount Lofty 

After zuhr prayer, kak Aznin, kak Syam, and Yan brought me to Mount Lofty. Subhanallah, it was so pretty!🍁🍁🍁

I could see the shades of colour from red to brown. It was really capturing my eyes 😍

Mount Lofty 💞💞

kak Syam, kak Aznin, me, Yan
"Zura, Adelaide always has a place for you" - Kak Aznin

well, you girls always have a place in my heart 😊😊

Then, that night, we went to my highschool mate's house.
Well, we talked for 2 hours. You know, when you meet your highschool mate, they will literally talk about how you were back in school 😂😂. 
And reminiscing the moment in high school was so funny.
I guess, if there's Sahira, it would be so many more to talk about because she knows most about me in high school. Luckily she wasn't there. hahaha. (if you're reading this, sorry Sahira 😌)

Got tired after talking for 2 hours 😂😂
Last day: Hallet Cove and Brighton Beach

It's time to say goodbye.
That morning, before I went to airport, Kak Aznin brought me to Hallet Cove and Brighton Beach.

The scenery was s great, subhanallah.

Hallet Cove

There was a mountain there looks so mesmerizing.
It reminded me of this one verse in Al-Quran,

"Kalau sekiranya Kami turunkan Al-Quran ini kepada sebuah gunung, pasti kamu akan melihatnya tunduk terpecah belah disebabkan ketakutannya kepada Allah. Dan perumpamaan-perumpamaan itu Kami buat untuk manusia supaya mereka berfikir."
(Al-Hasyr: 21)

Then, Kak Aznin said, the mountain is huge but it only has a physical strength, while human, we are created with both physical and spiritual strength. That is the reason why, human can accept the responsibility that Allah gives to us, which is to live our life based on the Quran. Because we are the best creation.

It was such a thoughtful conversation.
Then, we also met Indonesian in Hallet Cove. They were having holidays.

Can't remember the name but the one at the right side is getting married this September.
(see, I can remember story but not the name. can anyone please teach me how to remember names? 😭)

After zuhr prayer, we went to Brighton Beach but I did not take any photo there. huhu.
I called my mom there and showed her where was I.

Bulat mata budak ni tengok aunty dia. 😹😹

Then, it's time to say goodbye.
Kak Aznin sent me to airport.
Then she said, "Janganlah sedih"
I wasn't. em, actually, I did.
Hahaha. But I didn't cry okay. Haha. 
Just sad. That's normal, right? 😝

Then, kak Aznin recorded a video of me saying goodbye to akhawat Adelaide.

Insha Allah, someday we'll meet again.
As much as I love to stay at certain place, it would always be temporary.
So, may I ask you a favour?
Can I stay in your heart forever? 😊

I will just take my words from my facebook,

Hidup ini kisah tentang meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan.
Tetapi, itu bukanlah masalah. 
Kerana yang lebih utama dan penting adalah bagaimana perasaan ketika meninggalkan dan ditinggalkan.

Dan perasaan saya untuk meninggalkan bumi Adelaide ini sangat bercampur-baur. 
Tetapi majoriti perasannya ialah kesyukuran buat Ilahi untuk peluang ini.

Jazakunallahu khayr akhawat.
Saya tinggalkan dengan satu kata-kata IHAB,
"Orang soleh itu ke mana pun ia pergi akan meninggalkan kesan"
Dan kalian semua sungguh meninggalkan kesan yang berbekas dalam hati. 

Selamat berjuang. Dan moga jumpa lagi 💐💐

back to Brisbane 

Kak Aznin

Sweet Akhawat 💗💗 
Azri Hazirah Azizan

Diyana Izyan

Najah Safaruddin

Jazakunallahu khayr to ALL akhawat for making me feel so comfortable in Adelaide.
May Allah grant you girls with better rewards 💕💕

(Rasa sayang sebab tak tulis trip Melbourne dan New Zealand tahun lepas)
(If I still can remember, I definitely should write it!)

Adelaide: Random Plan

Alhamdulillah 4 days 4 nights in Adelaide was awesome. I fell in love with the nature and of course, with the people. So lovely. So welcoming. 

Before the trip

So, how did I plan to go there?
I didn't plan it, honestly. It was random. 

So basically, 3 weeks before the trip, kak Farah Hanani asked our usrah,
"Siapa nak join kak Farah pergi Adelaide. Ada nadwah 6 Mei kat Adelaide."

At that time, I was quite excited, 
'oh I really wanted to go to Adelaide but I didn't have strong reason to go'. 
So, I checked my schedule. okay, assignments lambat lagi. 3 minggu lagi. 
(pengsan ni 4 assignments berderet 😅😅. doakan manageable!😁)

I also checked the ticket price.
"hm, if it's below $200 for return, I'd go. if not, maybe no"
I took a week to think about it. Am I really going?

So, the next week, I checked the price ticket again and checked my schedule again.
"Okay, there's no assignment due this week, I can asked syifa' for this one tutorial. This one lecture, I can just listen to the lecture recording. Okay, manageable. Bismillah."
And the ticket price was below $200. I think Allah has made it easy for me. Alhamdulillah.

Then, I rethink again. Wait, if I take the ticket on Thursday, who's going to send me?
And, am I travelling alone? 🤔
To be honest, this trip was the first trip I travelled alone.
As a woman, of course it is important to ensure that the trip is safe. (This is important okay girls. Maqasid syariah menjaga nyawa itu penting)
So, I was thinking, should be there are girls who are sending me to airport and there are girls who will be fetching me there. I would just be alone on the flight, which was safe. 
Let's try this. 

And my first solo-travel experience was good.
Allah made it easy, Alhamdulillah.

Day 1: Pakistani Food and Baitul Insyirah
When I arrived there, Azri Hazirah and Diyana Izyan fetched me and brought me to one Pakistani restaurant. The food was good masha Allah. 

Then, they took me to Baitul Insyirah. 
So I slept there for 4 days 4 nights. 
Subhanallah, the house was so comfy and calm, just like its name.
May Allah showers them with greater blessings for their kindness.

ahlul Insyirah: Azri Hazirah, Najah Sarafuddin, (me), Afiqah Suhaimee, Diyana Izyan, Aziidah Amirruddin.
Jazakunallahu khayr tumpangkan rumah, sediakan makanan sedap. 😊 

Day 2: Adelaide Botanical Garden, Gaol, Matcha Cake House and Usrah

That morning, I met kak Zaitul. Sampai-sampai je, kak Zaitul kata, 
"Zuraaaaa, tak berubah pun dari dulu." I was like "nak berubah apanya."
We just met once during summer camp2015 in Malaysia 😂😂
Tapi, gaya macam dah pernah kenal 10 tahun. 😂

She brought me to Botanical Garden.

kak Zaitul Zazai Asyiqeen

Adelaide Botanical Garden

The garden was so pretty. 😍 
We sent pictures to kakSyai just to make her jealous.
Sekali, sesat kat dalam taman. 😅
Luckily we lost in a garden. It wasn't scary la kan.
We waited there for kak Aznin to rescue us.
Then, we had our lunch, pray, and heading to Gaol.

We went to Gaol with Zizi and her friend.
In here, the environment was quite depressing. 
There's a heartnreaking story about a woman.
Her father died when she was young, her mother then left her alone.
And, she was raped brutally when she was young.
Later, she found out that her mother was still alive and remarried with a man.
She then moved to the city nearer to her mother and her stepfather.
She then married a divorced man with 2 kids, but it turned out that the marriage was bad.
Her husband was abusive.
One day, her husband was found died because of mercury poisoning.
She was accused of murdering her husband but the investigation wasn't thorough
So, it was said that she was actually innocent but falsely punished. 
And she was the only woman who was executed.

I got headache after reading about the cases in which people were executed.
There are people who murdered their wife/husband due to jealosy.
There are people who murdered and raped children. 
There are people who murdered their own friends.

The feelings after visited the prison was so heavy. 
Rasa mual juga.
Mungkin sebab rasa terlalu berat untuk menerima kes-kes macamni (that is why I wouldn't choose Forensic Psychology or criminology because I'm not into that course).

That night, after maghrib, I had liqa' from Brisbane
I joined through online from Adelaide. 
Waktu ni rasa pertama kali liqa' sambil berjalan, naik trem, kejar bas.
taktau la masuk ke tak. insha Allah masuk la kot.
(jangan kecam saya, kak Farah 👀)
I remember we discussed about usul 20.
Usul ke 5 (taat pada pemimpin) dan 6 (taasub) 
(harap-harap betul 😅 )
Sambil-sambil liqa', pergi Matcha cake house dengan Kak Aznin.
Rasa bersalah jugak sebab saya tengah liqa', kak Aznin duduk diam kat situ. 
Jadi nak hilangkan rasa bersalah, saya buka loudspeaker, so kak Aznin boleh join sekali. 


My date 😁
Day 3: Car Problems and Nadwah

This day, we have nadwah for the whole day. So, I got the chance to meet all akhawat Adelaide,
Kak Najah, Kak Ain, Kak Azlin, Kak Azri, Diyana, Dayana, Kak Ika, kak Nabilah, kak Syam, Kak Raby, Kak Aznin, kak Maizatul (hopefully, I didn't miss anyone 😖)

University of Adelaide. 

That morning, I had to fetch kak Farah and kak Dee from airport. 
Other akhawat was setting up and getting ready for nadwah.
It was my first time driving alone. At first, the car was okay,
tetiba termati bila keluar dari parking.
So, I quickly pushed the emergency button. There was one local lady asking, "are you okay?"
I said, "I couldn't start my car" then she called people nearby. there was a man helping me. He thought I wanted to park my car, so he helped me park the car and matikan enjin.
I was like, "...that's okay. I can stat the engine"
Engine was okay but handbrake pula tak boleh turun 😓
Lelaki, orang putih lagi, tarik handbrake sampai tak boleh nak turun. Saya turunkan handbrake tu guna dua tangan. gigih betul masa tu rasa. 😂

Then, I fetched kak Farah and Kak Dee from airport and sent them to nadwah.
I searched for a parking spot, but couldn't find any.
Banyak kali juga pusing-pusing sampai tersesat.
At that time, I felt like crying. It was new place and I was lost and alone in the car. 
What should I do..
This one ukhti called me, asking where was I. I said I was lost and she had to send me the location.
Then I just followed the map and Alhamdulillah, finally I arrived.
I was grateful because it happened in Adelaide, where the people were friendly and calm.
If it ever happened in Melbourne or Sydney city, I would have cried alone in the car. huhu.

Then, I just tried to stay calm and focus on the nadwah.
Alhamdulillah, the nadwah was good. Jazakunallhu khyar akhawat Adelaide for the awesome presentation 😊😊

summary of the nadwah

to be continued...
(panjang dah ini 🤔)