Ramadhan Diary: A Short Ramadhan but It Feels So Long

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.
Raya is in few days (either next two days or three days) :)

Special for my ownself πŸ’–
Basically this is just my own reflection. So many things happen in a month.

Did you remember your feeling when Ramadhan was coming?
You were so full of doubt. You doubted yourself, “Am I ready for Ramadhan?” πŸ˜•πŸ˜•
Because you really felt that you’re not ready but you are so eager to meet Ramadhan. 
Because you wanted to heal. 
You really wanted to heal so much.

This Ramadhan taught you that healing process is not like what you think it is. 
It is not only “happy and butterflies” moments for healing. No.
It’s a combination of mixed feelings dear Azzura.
It’s a combination of happy, sad, sorrow, excitement, joy, guilt, hurt, almost broken, doubtful, and many more. 😌😌
It’s really a combination of mixed feelings.
You can feel sad 😒 in one second, and happy πŸ˜ƒ in another second
You can feel almost give up 😭 in one second but motivated πŸ˜† in other second
You can feel so excited 😁 in one second but doubtful πŸ˜” in other second
Nothing is an absolute happy or absolute sad
Nothing is an absolute good or absolute bad
It’s a combination. Really a combination. 
This is what Ramadhan taught you, dear Azzura

There are moments when you really don’t understand what you feel.
You really feel like you are losing yourself
I know. I know you very well, zura.
And you sometimes feel so frustrated that even you learn psychology, but it doesn’t make you understand people
How can you understand people when sometimes you can’t even understand yourself Azzura? HAHAH. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
And sometimes you feel like “I know I learn psychology. But still, I’m a human. I have feelings. How am I not supposed to feel what I feel?”
And you’re right zura. You’re human. And humans are weak.
Therefore, please always remind yourself to seek strength from Allah. πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ
That’s normal to feel weak. Because you are not even yours, Azzura
That is why, you always need to seek Allah’s guidance. πŸ’•πŸ’•
To always save you from evil thoughts you have on yourself. 😠

Knowing you, zura. You are not a bad person. Trust me. 😎😎
You are good, though there are still A LOT of improvements you need to make on yourself to be a better person.
But, Azzura. You tried zura. You tried! 😸
Even when you fall so many times, but you did try!
How can it be called as “loser”. You don’t have strong justifications to even tell yourself as “loser” or a "failure" πŸ˜’πŸ˜’
And regardless of what you think about yourself,
Do you know that you have impacted many people in a good way?
You are important zura. Never let YOURSELF tell you otherwise.
You are truly important.  πŸ˜»
(I hope you understand this well)

This Ramadhan taught you that there are things that beyond your control
You cannot control people. πŸ™
And that should not make you feel worry, that should not make you feel disappointed, that should not make you feel guilty 
So, why are you always blaming yourself for things that are not even your fault? πŸ’†πŸ’†
You are just burdening yourself, you know?

This Ramadhan taught you that life is not going to be as smooth as you wanted it to be.
It’ll never be smooth. There’s gonna be challenges that you need to face.
For everything that you fight for, there always gonna be challenges.
ALWAYS. πŸ’£πŸ’£
Unexpected things happen and you can’t stop it.
Hey, don’t you remember how passionate you are with the course you take: psychology?
But, sometimes, you do feel like you’re not going to pursue it anymore because sometimes it’s difficult?
But, you never stop. You still gonna proceed it.
You know why?
This should be applied to other aspects of life too, zura.
Knowing you, you are a person who doesn’t decide in a day.
You take into accounts many things. Therefore, when you have decided, you know that it is the best for you. So, DON’T STOP. AND FIGHT FOR IT! πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ
Don’t give up until people decide to give up on you.
You need to fight for it, be patient along the process like what you did with psychology.
Be patient with yourself. πŸ‘ΈπŸ‘Έ

Dear Azzura,
This Ramadhan is one of the most memorable Ramadhan in your life.
Please be grateful for everything that happen even though you might not like it.
Remember, you yourself ask Allah to heal you,
And He really does with His wisdom.
Not like what you thought it would be. 
But with the way HE WANTED TO TEACH YOU.
I know sometimes you feel like you cannot take it anymore.
But, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Just hold on. Trust Allah and believe that He'll make you go through this. 😁😁

Dan moga-moga wahai Azzura,
Hari Raya ini kau setidaknya belajar untuk menang ke atas diri kau sendiri,
Dan kau setidaknya belajar satu hal: kau manusia, bukan Tuhan.
Dan jalanilah hidupmu wahai Azzura sesederhana mungkin.
Moga kau belajar mencari imbang. Moga kau belajar menjadi hamba.
Bukankah ini doamu selalu? Untuk menjadi hamba Tuhan.

Lastly dear Azzura,

source: google

Azzura. Menanti Hari Kemenangan

Ramadhan Diary: Matang Mengurus Isu

Lepas sahur, berborak dengan kak Nina tentang karier sebagai seorang psikologis.
Banyak benda yang dapat dan belajar.
Jadi, saya kongsi di sini adalah untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri dan untuk rujukan akan datang

credit: google

So, dear future self,
please read the advice from 21-year-old Azzura okay?

One key point that kak Nina said to me was,
Be mature on what we say.
Being a psychologist (not-yet a psychologist but I know I'd pursue my ambition),
you will deal with A LOT of people with A LOT of issues.
and sometimes the issues are beyond your imagination
and very contradicts with your belief

But, issues are there
Things happen
and people experiences it.
You need to acknowledge that.

Therefore, before you say anything,
Before you write anything,
Always always always reflected back.
Choose a precise word, choose a nice word.
Deliver it with "mercy"

Some guidelines for myself, in approaching issue, remember to stay calm and "rahmah"

1. Does the issue has happened? (i.e. unwanted feelings such as attracted to the same gender)
--> Is it just feelings or he has acted upon it?
--> If it's still feelings, then no sin for him/her.
--> So, you can provide alternative therapy. Don't forget to include spirituality element.
--> Induce the guilt of having unwanted feelings but give HOPE that it will recover if he/she has willingness to fight against the feelings

2. If it has happened, did he/she feels guilty?
--> If he feels guilty, and want to end the sin, guide him and don't judge
--> But, don't give SIMPLE alternative such as marrying a woman. It might not work. Instead, causing harm to the wife
--> So, what to do? counseling first.
--> What if he/she doesn't feel guilty?
--> Look at historical and environmental background to have clear understanding
--> it's important to understand for better alternative/treatment. but not to justify the action

3. If he/she doesn't feel guilty, does he/she just do the sin by himself or does he/she implies the idea to others?
--> If he is implying the idea to other people, then we need to be firm and go against the idea. Fight against the ideology.
--> I'm not sure about the treatment by the way. Later, maybe my future self will figure it out insha Allah
--> But if he just keeps it to himself, then help him as much as you could. Don't feel pressure.
If you can't help, then ask others to help.

However, dear self,
There are some issues that you cannot handle
Acknowledge it and just avoid the issues
Because it might cause more harm than good
Refer them to other psychologists.
Just ADMIT that you can't handle that. Just can't handle.
For example, issues like pedophilia, sex offenders, etc. are just too much to handle.
You can handle the survivors, but not the perpetrators.
So, just refer them to other psychologists.

And, bear in mind,
Sometimes your treatment for some clients might not make them better
Or it could be worse :(
This can happen, dear future self.
So, DON'T BE TOO HARSH on yourself
Take a chill pill and you too need a psychologist for yourself

Do not always feel bad
It just show that you're human and you CAN'T HEAL EVERYONE
Let Allah heal them.
It's kinda dangerous if you think you can heal everyone because you definitely DON'T HAVE THE POWER.
But you can always put EFFORTS and remember, TAWAKKAL.

credit: google

Dear future self,
Sometimes, you just need a break and "me time"
You need to distance yourself from work environment when you're at home
You will have a husband and children
They have their rights and you're responsible for that
Make them feel your existence too okay?
And make them feel that you're WITH them.
Spend quality time with them.
Do not take clients' problems into your personal life

But knowing you, sometimes you'll overthink
So, when you reach that point,
Ask courage from Allah.
Pray. Pray to Him.
Seek support
Support from your family, friends and people around
And plan vacation for yourself
If you could go anywhere (doesn't necessarily far), just go.
Find peace for yourself

That's all from a 21-year-old Azzura.
In a month and a week, Azzura will turn to 22.
So hopefully, Azzura can be wiser and may Allah always guide. 

Ramadhan Diary: Allah Knows Best

Yesterday, I went through this one verse in Surah Al-An'am: 59

Dan pada sisi Allah-lah kunci-kunci semua yang ghaib; tidak ada yang mengetahuinya kecuali Dia sendiri, dan Dia mengetahui apa yang di daratan dan di lautan, dan tiada sehelai daun pun yang gugur melainkan Dia mengetahuinya (pula), dan tidak jatuh sebutir biji-pun dalam kegelapan bumi, dan tidak sesuatu yang basah atau yang kering, melainkan tertulis dalam kitab yang nyata (Lauh Mahfudz)
I feel this verse is really comforting
Knowing that Allah knows every single thing in this world, from the smallest to the biggest
Just make me realize that our life is in His hand
And, if we let Him hold our destiny,
We would be fine
Totally fine

That doesn't mean that we don't need to put effort and let Him decide
No. It just means that we need to put our best efforts
and let the RESULTS in His hand
and that's the concept of: TAWAKKAL :)

Have you ever wondered about your future?
How is it like?
What would it be?
I always wonder this since I was small.

And you know,
I once wonder, "if only I have doraemon and can have a look to my future, it must be good."

source: google

Then, as I grow up,
I realized, if only we know what future holds for us,
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of 'doa'
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of trying and keep trying
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of be the servant of Allah
We wouldn't feel the sweetness of tawakkal

And that's the wisdom of Allah
He wants us to experience this life
He wants us to feel the pain
He wants us to kneel down and pray to Him
Because, He loves us and He misses us.
He wants to hear our prayer.

I know, it's never easy to really appreciate all the painful experiences
It's never easy to really understand what's going on in our life
It's never easy to get up when you feel that you are at the bottom
It's never easy to keep trying when you are afraid of falling
It's never easy, dear.

And you know, to understand this,
Sometimes, we learn it in a hard way
Like my housemate said, "buat kita terduduk"
Yup, really.
It makes us to realise that,
Our life wouldn't be as easy as we plan it to be.
And it wouldn't be as smooth as what we plan it to be

But, our definition of ease and smooth is not what it truly is.
I mean, the ease and smooth in our eyes is not the same with His wisdom.
He teaches us first through experience
And throughout the learning process,
He is actually guides us
But, sometimes we just don't want to see it with our heart

Realizing this,
I always feel the wisdom in this prayer,
and may Allah always make me a person who always appreciate this 'doa'

"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami lisan yang lembut basah mengingati dan menyebut namaMu, hati yang penuh segar mensyukuri nikmatMu, serta badan yang ringan menyempurnakan ketaatan kepada perintahMu. Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami iman yang sempurna, hati yang khusyu', ilmu yang berguna, keyakinan yang benar-benar mantap, Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami, Din, cara hidup yang jitu dan unggul, selamat dari dari segala mala petaka.
Kami mohon Ya Allah, kecukupan yang tidak sampai kami terpaksa meminta jasa orang lain. Berikanlah kami Ya Allah iman yang sebenarnya hingga kami tidak lagi gentar atau mengharapkan orang lain selain dari Engkau sendiri, atau menyembah selain dari Engkau sendiri. Kembangkanlah lembayung rahmat-Mu kepada kami, keluarga kami, anak-anak kami serta sesiapa sahaja yang bersama-sama kami.
Jangan Ya Allah, Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri; walaupun sekadar sekelip mata atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek daripada itu.
Wahai Tuhan yang paling mudah dan cepat memperkenankan, minta perkenankanlah. "
"Jangan Ya Allah, Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri; walaupun sekadar sekelip mata atau sekadar masa yang lebih pendek daripada itu."
favourite part of the doa.

This Ramadhan,
let us try to appreciate our life and try to appreciate the doa :)